Rabbi Edwin H. Friedman Quotes❓

It is always easier to leave. However, there is little chance for the system to changed if you leave. The flip side of this is true too, i.e. there is little chance for the system to change if you stay and continue to function as you've been functioning. [Dr. Edwin H.] Friedman noted how someone in the diplomatic corps had come up with a label for an alternative/THE more challenging, but in some instances, preferable approach. They termed this approach 'defecting in place'. Folk who studied defections—leaving versus 'defecting in place' had determined that—if one had the courage, stamina, and thick skin to do it; defecting in place was far more effective than going over to the other side.—Dr. Pete Gasper

A second reason that most couples cannot hear most premarital advice is that before marriage they have yet to experience the kind of fusion that will develop in their relationship after the vows. It is almost impossible for couples before marriage to appreciate the loss of self that marital fusion will promote, even if they have already experienced it in other relationships. The emotional interdependency characteristic of this kind of fusion only seems to emerge after the final commitment, often appearing like some printout, programmed in a previous generation. It even occurs with couples who have lived together for some time, and provides a reason why trial marriage will not solve the contemporary problems of mating. Actually, many couples live together, unmarried, in a quite harmonious state for years, only to start experiencing severe difficulties once they decide to 'get serious.' There seem to be two nodal points in life, marriage and becoming a parent, after which individuals, who have sworn they will never function like their parents, suddenly find themselves 'spooked'.—Friedman

Attitudes are the real figures of speech.—Friedman

It has been said, 'What Peter says about Paul tells you more about Peter than it does about Paul.' In the concept of an emotinal triangle, 'What Peter says to you about his relationship with Paul has to do with his relationship with you.—Friedman

The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choicest words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech.—Friedman